Overflow – 2014
There is nothing more agonising to me than watching myself destroy an opportunity by crumbling under my own neurotic insecurities. Usually when I’m destroying myself, it happens very quickly, and I feel powerless to stop it. I can hear myself saying stupid things or doing stupid things, but I can’t stop doing it.
Once it’s over, the flood of anger, disappointment, regret, shame and sadness continue to flow out of me until I feel like I’m completely surrounded by it. These thoughts feel toxic, like black tar, and feel alien to me – but I can’t help but believe that they are me at the time.
I’ve spent a lot of time since creating this painting dealing with this pattern of self-destruction, and I am very happy to say that I no longer feel this way – I still fear rejection (whether it’s in my work or in love) but I’ve come to understand that I can only control my own self. If I experience rejection, but I’ve been completely open and honest in my attempt at connection, the rejection has nothing to do with me. By doing my best, I’ve taken responsibility for my part of the deal, and I don’t have to take it personally if it doesn’t work out.
I still feel horribly destroyed, obviously, because I’m insanely sensitive and will always feel too much of everything, but I no longer let it run my life (for now).